The Not-So-Perky Perks of Pregnancy
ONE. Urinary Tract Infections. My whole life I assumed that UTIs only happened to the elderly and people with less-than-satisfactory hygiene. I could not have been more wrong. Within my first six weeks of pregnancy I developed a UTI and experienced the wrath of my Urethra. It seems that my bladder had turned against me: the one organ that I had blatantly taken for granted let it be known. Unfortunately, and unbeknownst to me, UTIs are actually fairly common in pregnancy. So, enjoy your ability to pee without complication while and when you can.
TWO. Cervical Mucous. That's right, I said it. Men, this is likely your cue to exit now before things really get weird. In other, less lady-like terms, "vaginal discharge." Now, before everyone freaks -- every woman experiences a change in CM throughout the course of her monthly cycle. When trying to conceive it is helpful to pay particular attention to this less-than-lovely symptom because it is an absolute God-send in regard to conception. HOWEVER, I believe that many women, myself included, had hoped that this symptom, like periods, would dry up and fade away with pregnancy. Well, let me be the first to tell you. It doesn't. In fact, if you are like me, it seems as though the flood-gates opened up "down there." Making things both slippery and awkward. At all times. On the plus side, I am forced to carry panty-liners at all times now, so whenever my fellow lady friends get their monthly "friend" I'm basically like, "I gotchu, girl."
THREE. Smell Aversion/Sensitivity. I touched on this one a bit in an earlier post. But let me just reiterate how much this absolutely sucks. My personal enemy is the fridge/kitchen, but I know other women have struggled with other smells such as: fast food/restaurants, car exhaust, cigarette (although this certainly offends me now, as well), shampoo/conditioner/cologne/deodorant that you once enjoyed, etc. The list is basically endless. And I feel confident when I speak for most women and say that this symptom is SO FRUSTRATING.
FOUR. "Morning" Sickness. Let's all just get one thing straight. Whoever named this very-popular-among-new-mommies symptom needs to get a swift kick in the ass. I have never heard of a single woman, myself included, who had sickness strictly in the morning. In fact, it should be called morning-midmorning-lunchtime-midday-evening-right-before-bed-and-nighttime sickness because this would be much more accurate. Now, I do consider myself to be fairly lucky because my sickness did not include vomiting. However, there were times when I felt the only thing that could actually make me feel better would be vomiting and, yet, somehow, I was unable to do so. Basically everyone hates this symptoms. Preggies and spouses alike. Because it sucks.
FIVE. Peeing. It happens all the time. ALL. THE. TIME. I am to the point where I try and avoid peeing because it takes so much unnecessary time out of my day. And, seriously, who has time to wake up and pee four times a night? There was a brief moment early on in my second trimester when my bladder finally relaxed and didn't have me running to the bathroom all the time. But, like I said, that was a brief moment.
SIX. "Sleep Now Before The Baby Gets Here." If you have ever been pregnant or if you are pregnant you have likely had someone say something similar to you. And, if you are anything like me, had to resist the urge to punch that person square in the mouth. In what world do you think sleep comes EASILY when you are pregnant? In the first trimester, save for peeing 14 thousand times a night, sleep comes a little more easily simply due to the fact that your exhaustion level is out-of-this-world. However, past that, sleeping is horrific. And hard. And not always consistent, no matter what you do. So thanks, person, for the rude reminder that sleep ends the second baby gets in our tummies. And there is literally nothing we can do about it!
SEVEN. Boobs. I've never been "well-endowed" in the ladies-upstairs department. But, good ol' hormones have helped a sister out. This is likely one of the only semi-nice symptoms that comes along with pregnancy. But this, too, comes at a price. Can we just talk about how weird it is that nipples are apparently related to chameleons and change colors during pregnancy? What once were proud and pink are now, oddly, a weird shade of purple and brown. Awkward. Ain't nobody proud of those. Also, ever heard of "milk duds?" And, no, I do not mean the delicious chocolate-covered-caramel candy. Rather, the small white dots that like to hang out in clusters around the nipple and on your areola. Because those are present now, too. Cool.
EIGHT. Hunger. But Not Really. This symptom is sort of funny. I swear there are days where I literally think I am going to starve to death. So, of course, I plan to eat a cow-sized meal, only to get four bites in and think, "Shit, I literally was dying of hunger four bites ago. And now I feel like I am going to explode." Basically, eternal eyes-bigger-than-stomach syndrome, thanks to all of the cool ways that your uterus is growing immensely by the day and so all of your other organs, i.e. your stomach, are shrinking on the daily.
NINE. Hair. I think every woman starts to notice their hair and nails growing at light-year speed when they are pregnant. And I am sure most women welcome this change, or, at least, I do, because it makes me feel like a Brazilian-goddess with Kim Kardashian hair (certainly the ONLY thing I'd ever enjoy having in common with a Kardashian). But let me tell you about something less exciting -- hair growing EVERYWHERE. And lots of it. And it's thick. And dark. And what woman wants hair on her stomach? Or growing at hyper-speed on her arms or legs or armpits or anywhere else that isn't the top of her head? Answer: None. Way to go, pregnancy hormones, I now officially feel like I'm competing with my husband for hairiest abdomen. And thank God he is relatively hairy, otherwise I'd be winning.
TEN. Psychotic Emotions. Okay, maybe using the word "psychotic" is a little unfair. But to be honest, there are moments when I feel like I am a totally rational being, and then have to cope with the reality that some of my emotions are entirely irrational. For instance: earlier on in my pregnancy I was trying to fall asleep (and succeeding) when our then seven or eight month old puppy, Jager, decided to jump on the bed... Landing, quite unfortunately, on my face. His jumping on my startled me so much that I began bawling uncontrollably and was so sad. I have no idea why this made me sad, but it felt like my heart was breaking. There have been plenty of other not-tear-worthy moments where I have bawled. And I have realized that we all need to take some advice (me, too): When pregnant, do not trust your emotions. Rather, trust someone whom you trusted BEFORE you got pregnant that will tell you when you are being less-than-reasonable. In a loving way, of course. But, seriously. Your hormones are out to get you.
Some things that I have not personally experienced, but that I know other lovely ladies have experienced or currently are experiencing during their pregnancy:
People Aversion. I admit, I laughed hysterically when I heard of this one. Apparently some people, rather than food or smell aversion, have an aversion to one or more specific individuals during their pregnancy that they had absolutely no conflict with prior to, and likely after, as well.
Ocular Migraines. This one sounds terrifying and, unfortunately, is a symptom that my bump-sister is currently dealing with: temporary blindness. Apparently this is another pregnancy-induced-symptom that causes the mommy-to-be to get migraines so bad that they go temporarily blind. For my bump-sister this is about 30-60 minutes at least once a week, with no indication of when it will happen. Terrifying.
All-in-all, pregnancy is the weirdest, most incredible experience any woman could ever have the privilege of experiencing. And I am sure that mommies and preggies alike will agree with me: any and every symptom listed above, and all of the other ones not listed, no matter how uncomfortable, awkward, weird, or seemingly-unnecessary -- ALL of these symptoms are completely and totally worth it if it means having a beautiful little bundle in our arms at the end. I know I would take any and every symptom tenfold if it meant continuing to carry this blessing. And I am sure other mommies-to-be agree!